DVD Commentary Don'ts 101

I love to listen to DVD commentaries.  I want to know everything about the making of the film, the behind the scenes stuff, and all the details about what sociological messages are hidden within the films.     I've probably listened to the commentary on every DVD I own, and during that time I think I've gotten pretty good at knowing what makes a good commentary.  Like caring for a mogwai, the rules are simple.

Image source: myconfinedspace.com

1) Keep talking. - The best commentators have a skill for keeping the stories and the info coming. The worst commentators lapse into silence for about 70% of the movie and occasionally chime in sounding like they just wandered into the movie theater for a movie they've never seen. The kiss of death is if I hear the commentator say this in the first five minutes "Wow, it's been a long time since I watched this movie...I hope I can remember some good stories."  Eject.

2) Don't be too descriptive. -  I have eyes.  I've seen the movie before.  I don't need the director to tell me exactly what is going on in the film during every scene.  "Right now, Susie is running away from Freddy Krueger."  Duh!!  Eject.

3) Don't have too many people in a room at once (especially if the people weren't directly involved with the film). - My worst commentary experience ever involved a contest winner.  Some guy won a spot on a commentary for a Simpsons DVD.  It was probably a good promotional stunt, but it was a terrible commentary.  Dumb questions, nervous laughter, silence, and general unrelated discussions ensued.
It's almost as bad when you stick too many commentators in a room.  Inevitably someone's phone rings, someone else starts talking about their daily life, and everyone talks over everyone else.  Eject.

I pray that one day we can live in world with clean-air, babies riding gravity defying motorbikes, and DVD commentaries that are informative, funny, and void of silence.  I can dream, can't I?