"Mommy! It broke!! Crap in a hat!!"

Sadness.

Heartache.

Broken toys in the eighties.

I feel like China has stepped up its game in the years since I stopped playing with toys and started collecting action figures.  Paint ops are better, and, as far as I can tell, important parts aren't made from a mixture of spit and tapioca.

(c) Kenner

My favorite example of my childhood toy sadness occurred due to Kenner's initial R2-D2 toy.  Basically, it was a trashcan with a sticker and a button.  Inevitably, the sticker would get wet, fall off, and you were stuck with a three-legged trashcan. The last time I checked, Darth Vader didn't need a trashcan on the Death Star.  He had a trash compactor.

Image source: howardashman.com

My worst toy experience was caused Milton Bradley's FEED ME.  I loved this game.  It was, for all intents and purposes, a very slow-paced HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS that involved taking turns dropping marbles into the mouth of the Audrey II until the mouth pops shut and you lost.  Game Over.

However, it had one drawback....it was one of the most poorly made games in history.
The mouth of the plant was held together by a rubber band.  A RUBBER BAND!!!  I think I played it for a week and the rubber band broke.  And, to make matters worse, the rubber band was impossible to replace.  So, as soon as the rubber band broke, you were left with a cheezy looking plastic venus fly trap.  Whoopty-friggin' doo.

Although I'm sure there were many other toy-related sleepless nights throughout my childhood, I've grown up and realized that there are more important things to worry about - like shoddy Blu Ray packaging and Eco-Friendly CD cases.  Thank god I've finally learned to disconnect and not get so depressed by the crappiness of my toys.  I don't know if I would have made it to puberty if I hadn't.