Rubber Hose Heaven

Image source: Woman's Day

I can honestly say that I liked the way THE SIMPSONS looked a lot better when they were on THE TRACY ULLMAN SHOW.  Of course, I know I am in the minority...but I have always liked animation that is wild and imperfect.  Early "rubber hose animation" is probably my favorite period in animation history, and I look for that "anything goes" quality in every cartoon I watch from the classics all the way to more current shows.   If I want to see a character without the ability to stretch their bodies in odd, inhuman, ways I'll watch THE SHAHS OF SUNSET with my wife (although I will admit that some of Reza's dance moves are very "Steamboat Mickey).

The Plow Boy (Walt Disney Studios, 1929)

 As  soon as I start to see a character have set "happy" or "sad" faces in animation I start to lose interest.  And this trend always seems to occur early in any cartoon's history: the longer the cartoon is on, the less interesting the animation becomes.  Even classic studios like Warner Brothers fell prey to these trends.  Just look at most cartoons produced by the studio after 1950 and you are much more likely to see a limited number of expressions for each character and a distinct lack of creativity in both storytelling and the conveying of emotion.  Sorry Chuck Jones, you are no Bob Clampett.  That's just how I feel.

Ren & Stimpy is copyright (c) John Kricfalusi

 While I have my issues with John K. (for losing his ability to create cartoons that appealed to both kids and adults and his unending belief that he is the only "good" animator working in the world today), I will agree with his belief that animators need to be given free-reign to put their own stamp on characters and to avoid the use of model sheets to designate how a character looks when they are feeling various emotions.  I love He-Man as much as the next guy.....but his happy face is kind of creepy and nondescript....like Roma Downey.

There are, however, some rays of rubbery hope on television right now.  This very second.  Go ahead.  Look.  I dare you.  See, ADVENTURE TIME is on.  I told you so.

Image source: About.com

ADVENTURE TIME has shown that it is possible to create innovative animation with characters that convey a wide range of emotions and vary in appearance based on the animators or directors who are working on them.  Television schedules and limited budgets be damned.

Plus, it has LSP.

And that's something even Bob Clampett can't claim.

Lena Dunham vs Leatherface: Round 1

I just finished the 7th episode of the first season of GIRLS.

Image source: Diabolique Magazine

I'm watching the 8th episode now. I love it.

There was a brief moment where I really wanted to see the new Texas Chainsaw.  I thought about going today.  Then I decided I would rather watch Lena Dunham than Leatherface.  I never thought I would say those words.

Don't worry....I'm not abandoning horror movies.  I'll be first in line for THE LAST EXORCISM PART 2, and I'm counting down the moments until the new EVIL DEAD movie.  The difference between those movies and the new Texas Chainsaw comes down to one word...respect.  I feel like Sam Raimi, Eli Roth, and Lena Dunham all think that people who watch their movies are smart individuals who have a pop-culture memory that extends past the nineties and who look for some redeeming social message even in the silliest of jokes or the sloppiest of horror films.

Image source: Oh Silly Me blog

After having read the reviews and articles about the new Texas Chainsaw I truly feel like the filmmakers think the audience for the movie is made up of morons who have no concept of the important historical achievement that the first film was.  Hell, even the makers of SAW 7 respected that the audiences had gone to 6 other movies, wanted some degree of closure, and remembered what had happened in the previous films.

(On a side note, I would just like to say that I did indeed go to see a SAW film every year for seven years.  While this is not my proudest pop culture moment....it is certainly not the most shameful.)

Here is just a short list of the issues I have with the new Texas Chainsaw (without having seen the movie):

1) No "Massacre" in the title.  That's right....an audience that is going to an R-Rated movie about cannibals will probably be turned off by the word "massacre."  This change reeks of some suit in a marketing office somewhere deciding that "massacre" was "too negative" to be in the title.
2) Not filmed in Texas.  Fans of TCM know what Texas looks like.  Don't try to make me think Louisiana is Texas.....
3) Women in the Sawyer family.  One of the themes in the first movie was how the lack of a mother figure can effect a family.  By adding women to the family, the filmmakers negate this important bit of social commentary and also retroactively rewrite the first film.  BOOOO!
4) Wonky timeline.  The movie starts in 73, jumps to modern times, and the heroine (born in 73) is only in her 20's.  You do the math.  The filmmakers don't think you can.
5) Another rapper turned actor.  "Hey I want to break into movies by starring in a horror film.  Have I seen the original?  Hell no.  Can I put a song in the movie too?  I can?!?  Yay, thanks."

To complain in any more detail I would have to see the movie.  I'm not invested enough to spend the time or the money.  I would rather get done with the episode of GIRLS that I just paused to finish this entry.  Lena Dunham - 1, Leatherface - 0.

Top Five Found Footage Movies of All Time

The found footage genre fascinates me.  The conceit that we are seeing the movie through the eyes of the cameraman who will not look away or let us "off the hook" is intriguing and brilliant commentary on mankind's fascination with film, and our inability to look away from the ugliness in the world.  They are the perfect horror movies for the "YouTube Generation."

Or maybe they are just scary.

Whatever.

Image source: unrealitymag.com

5. Blair Witch Project - I just saw this movie and, although I had my doubts, it lived up to the hype.  Short on visual scares but full of tension, this movie really kept me on the edge of my seat.  I had heard for years that it didn't make sense, but if you pay attention there is a reason for that guy standing in the corner.  Hint: pay attention to the interviews with the villagers at the beginning of the movie for the key to the mystery.

4. REC 2 - The first REC is a neat variation on the zombie movies, but the 2nd movie in the soon-to-be quadrilogy comes out ahead of the pack by giving us zombies that can be put down by the power of faith, creepy demon kids in air ducts, and introduces the concept of viral demon possession.  Well played Spanish filmmakers, well played.

Image source: Spinoff Online

3. Cloverfield - I still remember the first trailer for Cloverfield.  No title.  No release date.  Just footage of an unseen monster chucking the head of The Statue of Liberty down a Manhattan street.  I was hooked.  The viral marketing campaign was genius, and made what should have been a simple Godzilla rip-off much more.

(c) Steve Wilkie/The Weinstein Company

2. Diary of the Dead - Okay.  I love Romero zombie movies so I know better than anyone that this is far from his best work.  The dialogue sucks.  The acting isn't great.  The special effects are just "okay."  However, because we can only see what the camera sees, the movie make zombies scary again.  Slow zombies just aren't scary anymore....but the constant threat of an off-camera attack kept me more nervous in a zombie movie than I had been in years.

Image source: Starburst Magazine

1. V/H/S - I love anthology horror and I love found footage, so V/H/S seems like a movie made just for me.  I looked forward to this movie for two years and it did not disappoint.  While I admit it is wildly uneven, the good far outweighs the bad, and each story brings something new and interesting not just to the found footage genre, but the horror genre as a whole.

Okay.

I know.

Where is CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST?

I must admit that I've never seen it.  I am not a prude, but I do have my limits, and I decided long ago that I was going to avoid this movie at all costs. I believe that even the most violent horror films should be enjoyable on some level, and since even people who like this movie have a hard time recommending it, I decided I should spend my time rewatching Saw VII (not the best choice....but I stand by it).

"Mommy! It broke!! Crap in a hat!!"

Sadness.

Heartache.

Broken toys in the eighties.

I feel like China has stepped up its game in the years since I stopped playing with toys and started collecting action figures.  Paint ops are better, and, as far as I can tell, important parts aren't made from a mixture of spit and tapioca.

(c) Kenner

My favorite example of my childhood toy sadness occurred due to Kenner's initial R2-D2 toy.  Basically, it was a trashcan with a sticker and a button.  Inevitably, the sticker would get wet, fall off, and you were stuck with a three-legged trashcan. The last time I checked, Darth Vader didn't need a trashcan on the Death Star.  He had a trash compactor.

Image source: howardashman.com

My worst toy experience was caused Milton Bradley's FEED ME.  I loved this game.  It was, for all intents and purposes, a very slow-paced HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS that involved taking turns dropping marbles into the mouth of the Audrey II until the mouth pops shut and you lost.  Game Over.

However, it had one drawback....it was one of the most poorly made games in history.
The mouth of the plant was held together by a rubber band.  A RUBBER BAND!!!  I think I played it for a week and the rubber band broke.  And, to make matters worse, the rubber band was impossible to replace.  So, as soon as the rubber band broke, you were left with a cheezy looking plastic venus fly trap.  Whoopty-friggin' doo.

Although I'm sure there were many other toy-related sleepless nights throughout my childhood, I've grown up and realized that there are more important things to worry about - like shoddy Blu Ray packaging and Eco-Friendly CD cases.  Thank god I've finally learned to disconnect and not get so depressed by the crappiness of my toys.  I don't know if I would have made it to puberty if I hadn't.

The 10 Best Horror Anthology Stories of All Time

Ever since my first experience with CREEPSHOW at the ripe old age of five, I have been a sucker for Horror anthology films.  I love it when filmmakers are able to give me  nice, lean, compact twenty to thirty minute spooks a poppin' good time.  There's nothing better in my opinion.

1) Dumplings (Three: Extremes) - A pre-Celebrity Rehab Bai Ling sells dumplings with a secret ingredient.  Do we really want to stay young that much?
2) The Crate (Creepshow) - This entry is dedicated to my cousins for terrorizing me and making me cry during this segment.  Thanks, guys.
3) Lover's Vow (Tales from the Darkside) - A fairly serious horror story to cap off what had been a pretty cheesy (but fun) anthology.  I never saw this one coming.

Image source: thewordslinger.com

4) The Raft (Creepshow 2) - This story is one of the few instances where the ending to the movie is better than the ending to the original Stephen King story (see also THE MIST).
5) Pregnant Traveler (Grim Prairie Tales) - This messed me up as a kid.  Pregnant ladies are not to be trusted. 
6) KKK Comeuppance (Tales from the Hood) - Puppets + Southern Racism = the best story in a surprisingly good anthology. 
7) Bobby (Dead of Night) - Not to be mistaken with the classic British Anthology from the 40's.  The middle story in this anthology is the only worthwhile entry, and was later remade for Trilogy of Terror II.
8) Christmas Party (Dead of Night, 1945) - Most people remember the Ventriloquist's Dummy story, but this cool little Ghost Story is the one that always creeped me out as a kid.
9) Sam (Trick 'r Treat) - I waited years for this movie, and it did not disappoint.  The tale of an old man (with a secret) versus the personification of Halloween.
10) Prey (Trilogy of Terror) - I still remember the day I rented this from the big-box video store in Mamou, Louisiana.  The Zuni Fetish doll is an icon, and the story still holds up.

Petite Feet: The Wedding Playlist Blues

Image found via Tumblr

I love all kinds of music....but fully admit that a lot of it is crap.  I find equal musical validity in The Beatles and Flight of the Conchords.  I love both Rob Zombie and Backstreet Boys.  When I go to karaoke I am equally tempted to perform Taco's "Putting on the Ritz" and Korn's "Falling Away From Me."  I have issues.  Thankfully most of them are musical.

Unfortunately, I'm trying to put together a playlist for my wedding and my musical tastes are making it difficult to create a playlist that anyone will "get" or find "danceable."  If I had my way the playlist would be half parody songs by Weird Al Yankovic and the other half would be mash-ups from Glee.  I'm sure I would have a blast, but I don't think anyone else would.  This thing is driving me crazy.

Image found via Tumblr

This morning I decide to do another run-through of playlist to check it for maximum dancetasticness and found it somewhat lacking.  I immediately deleted several songs that I felt didn't fit (Is "Tom Sawyer" by Rush really a wedding song?).  Then I decided to add some new songs and decided that the Devlin and Ghostdad Remix of "Petite Feet" by Tim and Eric had to make an appearance.  It fulfills all my requirements: it's funny and I can get on the dance floor and shake my rump.  It also helps that my fiance loves this song and thinks it is hilarious when I dance to it. On the flip side, I have always felt that people need to recognize songs at wedding in order to want to dance.  And I seriously doubt anyone else at my wedding will know what the hell "Petite Feet" is.  I feel bad for their ignorance, but don't have time to school everyone at my wedding on the comedy of Tim and Eric.

So, I think the song would be a great inclusion in our special day.  However, since I also thought that "Living Dead Girl" by Rob Zombie was going to be the first dance at my wedding (when I was 17), I feel like I can't really be trusted.

Hell, I briefly had a Spice Girls song in the mix.  I REALLY can't be trusted.

Petite Feet

Your kid can handle it...trust me.

I'l admit.  I probably started watching R-Rated movies way too young.

One of my earliest memories is watching CREEPSHOW with my cousins at about the age of 5.  I did okay until "The Crate" episode....and, as soon as I saw the Abominable Snowman eat a guy, I flipped out.  I ended the movie hiding behind a mini-bar as my cousins made monster noises and reached around the bar trying to grab me.  It messed me up.

Image source: The Horror Novice

Today CREEPSHOW is one of my favorite movies.

I survived.

A few years ago when THE MONSTER SQUAD was released on DVD a guy came into my store who, like me, had watched the movie a million times when he was a kid.  He had a young boy with him who was just the right age to experience the moment when you first realize "Wolfman's got nards."  However, when I mentioned to the guy that he should have a great time watching it with his son he responded...."Oh, my kid would never be able to handle this movie.  It's too intense."

Why was it just fine for us, but too intense for him?

I think most people would agree that kids are more jaded and grow up much earlier than we did in the eighties.  And yet, most parents think they can't handle a PG-13 horror comedy about kids who fight monsters in a loosely knit squad.

I saw a handyman get eaten alive by a Fluff Monster in a crate when I was 5.

Trust me.  Your kid can handle seeing the Wolfman get kicked in the balls.