The Top Five Zomedies of All Time

Horror and comedy are hard to pull off (more on that in a future post) but these movies managed to "do it like the bomb-digitty."

1) Fido - a boy and his zombie, implied zombie romance, and direct references to Lassie make this movie so perfect.

2) Dead Alive - the granddaddy of all zomedies.  There is too much stuff to list here...but watch out for the karate priest who "kicks ass for the lord."

3) Night of the Creeps - the moment I saw pink aliens with no butt-cracks, I was hooked.

Image source: anotherplotdevice.com

4) Dead Snow - nazi zombies, chainsaws, and numerous references to classic zombie films make this a must-see.

5) Shaun of the Dead - you knew it was coming.  The surprise was that it wasn't # 1.

* Feel free to use "Do it like the bomb-diggity" in your day-to-day life.  I'm trying to make that a thing.

The 90's: The Decade of Action Figures With Useless Features.

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Recently my fiancé got me a Wolverine action figure from the Toybiz X-Men line circa '92 or '93.  Well, actually it's some robot guy who posed as Wolverine at some point.  Anyway, the important thing is that the toy has probably the most useless action feature of all-time: if you squeeze the toy's legs together, the arms fly off.  Wow.

First off, I'm pretty sure this was the go-to "Action Feature" for toys in the 90's.  I must have had 20 toys that sported "Super Arm Shooting Smack-tion"  or some variation thereof when I was a kid.  Toy executives probably loved this feature because it was cheap to produce and gave the illusion of action without anything actually happening.

Which leads me to my second point.

When would this "power" ever be useful?  All right, I know you're probably thinking of a situation where one villain is coming from each side of Robo-Wolverine and in order to stop them he ejects his arms into their ugly mugs, knocking them unconscious and saving the day.  While this situation is plausible I have a question - What does Robo-Wolverine do when the next villain comes at him and his arms are laying useless on the ground?  Would any self respecting henchman really stop to let Robo-Wolverine put his arms back on?  I don't think so.  Robo-Wolverine just got screwed by the poor planning of a lazy toy company exec.

Nice try Toybiz.  Give me a call when you come up with realistic action features that are actually useful in real world superhero situations.  Flying arms just don't cut it for this geek.

DVD Commentary Don'ts 101

I love to listen to DVD commentaries.  I want to know everything about the making of the film, the behind the scenes stuff, and all the details about what sociological messages are hidden within the films.     I've probably listened to the commentary on every DVD I own, and during that time I think I've gotten pretty good at knowing what makes a good commentary.  Like caring for a mogwai, the rules are simple.

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1) Keep talking. - The best commentators have a skill for keeping the stories and the info coming. The worst commentators lapse into silence for about 70% of the movie and occasionally chime in sounding like they just wandered into the movie theater for a movie they've never seen. The kiss of death is if I hear the commentator say this in the first five minutes "Wow, it's been a long time since I watched this movie...I hope I can remember some good stories."  Eject.

2) Don't be too descriptive. -  I have eyes.  I've seen the movie before.  I don't need the director to tell me exactly what is going on in the film during every scene.  "Right now, Susie is running away from Freddy Krueger."  Duh!!  Eject.

3) Don't have too many people in a room at once (especially if the people weren't directly involved with the film). - My worst commentary experience ever involved a contest winner.  Some guy won a spot on a commentary for a Simpsons DVD.  It was probably a good promotional stunt, but it was a terrible commentary.  Dumb questions, nervous laughter, silence, and general unrelated discussions ensued.
It's almost as bad when you stick too many commentators in a room.  Inevitably someone's phone rings, someone else starts talking about their daily life, and everyone talks over everyone else.  Eject.

I pray that one day we can live in world with clean-air, babies riding gravity defying motorbikes, and DVD commentaries that are informative, funny, and void of silence.  I can dream, can't I?

Commercial Mascots Taught Me Everything I Know About Stealing Stuff

As I look back on my childhood, I realize how frequently television tried to tell me that thievery was normal and "okay."  The following are a list of commercial mascots from the 80's who were either trying to steal a particular brand of food or who were having that brand stolen from them:

1) Hamburglar - the original food thief extraordinaire.
2) Trix Rabbit
3) The Noid
4) Lucky Charms Leprechaun - constantly on the run from a rainbow coalition of kids trying to steal his food.
5) Cookie Crisp Robber - At first it was a robber and a cop....then a robber, a cop, and the robber's dog.....then the robber and the cop went away and the dog turned into a wolf.
6) Chester Cheetah - It ain't easy doing thirty to life.....for being cheezy.

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And, while my memory is kind of fuzzy on these, I am pretty sure the Coco Puff bird thingy and Toucan Sam were thieves or were also in constant fear of their precious cereal being stolen.  With role models like these, it's shocking that I am not a klepto (although I have been known to try and destroy the freshness of Domino's pizza).