Top Five Found Footage Movies of All Time

The found footage genre fascinates me.  The conceit that we are seeing the movie through the eyes of the cameraman who will not look away or let us "off the hook" is intriguing and brilliant commentary on mankind's fascination with film, and our inability to look away from the ugliness in the world.  They are the perfect horror movies for the "YouTube Generation."

Or maybe they are just scary.

Whatever.

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5. Blair Witch Project - I just saw this movie and, although I had my doubts, it lived up to the hype.  Short on visual scares but full of tension, this movie really kept me on the edge of my seat.  I had heard for years that it didn't make sense, but if you pay attention there is a reason for that guy standing in the corner.  Hint: pay attention to the interviews with the villagers at the beginning of the movie for the key to the mystery.

4. REC 2 - The first REC is a neat variation on the zombie movies, but the 2nd movie in the soon-to-be quadrilogy comes out ahead of the pack by giving us zombies that can be put down by the power of faith, creepy demon kids in air ducts, and introduces the concept of viral demon possession.  Well played Spanish filmmakers, well played.

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3. Cloverfield - I still remember the first trailer for Cloverfield.  No title.  No release date.  Just footage of an unseen monster chucking the head of The Statue of Liberty down a Manhattan street.  I was hooked.  The viral marketing campaign was genius, and made what should have been a simple Godzilla rip-off much more.

(c) Steve Wilkie/The Weinstein Company

2. Diary of the Dead - Okay.  I love Romero zombie movies so I know better than anyone that this is far from his best work.  The dialogue sucks.  The acting isn't great.  The special effects are just "okay."  However, because we can only see what the camera sees, the movie make zombies scary again.  Slow zombies just aren't scary anymore....but the constant threat of an off-camera attack kept me more nervous in a zombie movie than I had been in years.

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1. V/H/S - I love anthology horror and I love found footage, so V/H/S seems like a movie made just for me.  I looked forward to this movie for two years and it did not disappoint.  While I admit it is wildly uneven, the good far outweighs the bad, and each story brings something new and interesting not just to the found footage genre, but the horror genre as a whole.

Okay.

I know.

Where is CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST?

I must admit that I've never seen it.  I am not a prude, but I do have my limits, and I decided long ago that I was going to avoid this movie at all costs. I believe that even the most violent horror films should be enjoyable on some level, and since even people who like this movie have a hard time recommending it, I decided I should spend my time rewatching Saw VII (not the best choice....but I stand by it).

"Mommy! It broke!! Crap in a hat!!"

Sadness.

Heartache.

Broken toys in the eighties.

I feel like China has stepped up its game in the years since I stopped playing with toys and started collecting action figures.  Paint ops are better, and, as far as I can tell, important parts aren't made from a mixture of spit and tapioca.

(c) Kenner

My favorite example of my childhood toy sadness occurred due to Kenner's initial R2-D2 toy.  Basically, it was a trashcan with a sticker and a button.  Inevitably, the sticker would get wet, fall off, and you were stuck with a three-legged trashcan. The last time I checked, Darth Vader didn't need a trashcan on the Death Star.  He had a trash compactor.

Image source: howardashman.com

My worst toy experience was caused Milton Bradley's FEED ME.  I loved this game.  It was, for all intents and purposes, a very slow-paced HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS that involved taking turns dropping marbles into the mouth of the Audrey II until the mouth pops shut and you lost.  Game Over.

However, it had one drawback....it was one of the most poorly made games in history.
The mouth of the plant was held together by a rubber band.  A RUBBER BAND!!!  I think I played it for a week and the rubber band broke.  And, to make matters worse, the rubber band was impossible to replace.  So, as soon as the rubber band broke, you were left with a cheezy looking plastic venus fly trap.  Whoopty-friggin' doo.

Although I'm sure there were many other toy-related sleepless nights throughout my childhood, I've grown up and realized that there are more important things to worry about - like shoddy Blu Ray packaging and Eco-Friendly CD cases.  Thank god I've finally learned to disconnect and not get so depressed by the crappiness of my toys.  I don't know if I would have made it to puberty if I hadn't.

The 10 Best Horror Anthology Stories of All Time

Ever since my first experience with CREEPSHOW at the ripe old age of five, I have been a sucker for Horror anthology films.  I love it when filmmakers are able to give me  nice, lean, compact twenty to thirty minute spooks a poppin' good time.  There's nothing better in my opinion.

1) Dumplings (Three: Extremes) - A pre-Celebrity Rehab Bai Ling sells dumplings with a secret ingredient.  Do we really want to stay young that much?
2) The Crate (Creepshow) - This entry is dedicated to my cousins for terrorizing me and making me cry during this segment.  Thanks, guys.
3) Lover's Vow (Tales from the Darkside) - A fairly serious horror story to cap off what had been a pretty cheesy (but fun) anthology.  I never saw this one coming.

Image source: thewordslinger.com

4) The Raft (Creepshow 2) - This story is one of the few instances where the ending to the movie is better than the ending to the original Stephen King story (see also THE MIST).
5) Pregnant Traveler (Grim Prairie Tales) - This messed me up as a kid.  Pregnant ladies are not to be trusted. 
6) KKK Comeuppance (Tales from the Hood) - Puppets + Southern Racism = the best story in a surprisingly good anthology. 
7) Bobby (Dead of Night) - Not to be mistaken with the classic British Anthology from the 40's.  The middle story in this anthology is the only worthwhile entry, and was later remade for Trilogy of Terror II.
8) Christmas Party (Dead of Night, 1945) - Most people remember the Ventriloquist's Dummy story, but this cool little Ghost Story is the one that always creeped me out as a kid.
9) Sam (Trick 'r Treat) - I waited years for this movie, and it did not disappoint.  The tale of an old man (with a secret) versus the personification of Halloween.
10) Prey (Trilogy of Terror) - I still remember the day I rented this from the big-box video store in Mamou, Louisiana.  The Zuni Fetish doll is an icon, and the story still holds up.

Petite Feet: The Wedding Playlist Blues

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I love all kinds of music....but fully admit that a lot of it is crap.  I find equal musical validity in The Beatles and Flight of the Conchords.  I love both Rob Zombie and Backstreet Boys.  When I go to karaoke I am equally tempted to perform Taco's "Putting on the Ritz" and Korn's "Falling Away From Me."  I have issues.  Thankfully most of them are musical.

Unfortunately, I'm trying to put together a playlist for my wedding and my musical tastes are making it difficult to create a playlist that anyone will "get" or find "danceable."  If I had my way the playlist would be half parody songs by Weird Al Yankovic and the other half would be mash-ups from Glee.  I'm sure I would have a blast, but I don't think anyone else would.  This thing is driving me crazy.

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This morning I decide to do another run-through of playlist to check it for maximum dancetasticness and found it somewhat lacking.  I immediately deleted several songs that I felt didn't fit (Is "Tom Sawyer" by Rush really a wedding song?).  Then I decided to add some new songs and decided that the Devlin and Ghostdad Remix of "Petite Feet" by Tim and Eric had to make an appearance.  It fulfills all my requirements: it's funny and I can get on the dance floor and shake my rump.  It also helps that my fiance loves this song and thinks it is hilarious when I dance to it. On the flip side, I have always felt that people need to recognize songs at wedding in order to want to dance.  And I seriously doubt anyone else at my wedding will know what the hell "Petite Feet" is.  I feel bad for their ignorance, but don't have time to school everyone at my wedding on the comedy of Tim and Eric.

So, I think the song would be a great inclusion in our special day.  However, since I also thought that "Living Dead Girl" by Rob Zombie was going to be the first dance at my wedding (when I was 17), I feel like I can't really be trusted.

Hell, I briefly had a Spice Girls song in the mix.  I REALLY can't be trusted.

Petite Feet

Your kid can handle it...trust me.

I'l admit.  I probably started watching R-Rated movies way too young.

One of my earliest memories is watching CREEPSHOW with my cousins at about the age of 5.  I did okay until "The Crate" episode....and, as soon as I saw the Abominable Snowman eat a guy, I flipped out.  I ended the movie hiding behind a mini-bar as my cousins made monster noises and reached around the bar trying to grab me.  It messed me up.

Image source: The Horror Novice

Today CREEPSHOW is one of my favorite movies.

I survived.

A few years ago when THE MONSTER SQUAD was released on DVD a guy came into my store who, like me, had watched the movie a million times when he was a kid.  He had a young boy with him who was just the right age to experience the moment when you first realize "Wolfman's got nards."  However, when I mentioned to the guy that he should have a great time watching it with his son he responded...."Oh, my kid would never be able to handle this movie.  It's too intense."

Why was it just fine for us, but too intense for him?

I think most people would agree that kids are more jaded and grow up much earlier than we did in the eighties.  And yet, most parents think they can't handle a PG-13 horror comedy about kids who fight monsters in a loosely knit squad.

I saw a handyman get eaten alive by a Fluff Monster in a crate when I was 5.

Trust me.  Your kid can handle seeing the Wolfman get kicked in the balls.

The Top Five Zomedies of All Time

Horror and comedy are hard to pull off (more on that in a future post) but these movies managed to "do it like the bomb-digitty."

1) Fido - a boy and his zombie, implied zombie romance, and direct references to Lassie make this movie so perfect.

2) Dead Alive - the granddaddy of all zomedies.  There is too much stuff to list here...but watch out for the karate priest who "kicks ass for the lord."

3) Night of the Creeps - the moment I saw pink aliens with no butt-cracks, I was hooked.

Image source: anotherplotdevice.com

4) Dead Snow - nazi zombies, chainsaws, and numerous references to classic zombie films make this a must-see.

5) Shaun of the Dead - you knew it was coming.  The surprise was that it wasn't # 1.

* Feel free to use "Do it like the bomb-diggity" in your day-to-day life.  I'm trying to make that a thing.

The 90's: The Decade of Action Figures With Useless Features.

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Recently my fiancé got me a Wolverine action figure from the Toybiz X-Men line circa '92 or '93.  Well, actually it's some robot guy who posed as Wolverine at some point.  Anyway, the important thing is that the toy has probably the most useless action feature of all-time: if you squeeze the toy's legs together, the arms fly off.  Wow.

First off, I'm pretty sure this was the go-to "Action Feature" for toys in the 90's.  I must have had 20 toys that sported "Super Arm Shooting Smack-tion"  or some variation thereof when I was a kid.  Toy executives probably loved this feature because it was cheap to produce and gave the illusion of action without anything actually happening.

Which leads me to my second point.

When would this "power" ever be useful?  All right, I know you're probably thinking of a situation where one villain is coming from each side of Robo-Wolverine and in order to stop them he ejects his arms into their ugly mugs, knocking them unconscious and saving the day.  While this situation is plausible I have a question - What does Robo-Wolverine do when the next villain comes at him and his arms are laying useless on the ground?  Would any self respecting henchman really stop to let Robo-Wolverine put his arms back on?  I don't think so.  Robo-Wolverine just got screwed by the poor planning of a lazy toy company exec.

Nice try Toybiz.  Give me a call when you come up with realistic action features that are actually useful in real world superhero situations.  Flying arms just don't cut it for this geek.

DVD Commentary Don'ts 101

I love to listen to DVD commentaries.  I want to know everything about the making of the film, the behind the scenes stuff, and all the details about what sociological messages are hidden within the films.     I've probably listened to the commentary on every DVD I own, and during that time I think I've gotten pretty good at knowing what makes a good commentary.  Like caring for a mogwai, the rules are simple.

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1) Keep talking. - The best commentators have a skill for keeping the stories and the info coming. The worst commentators lapse into silence for about 70% of the movie and occasionally chime in sounding like they just wandered into the movie theater for a movie they've never seen. The kiss of death is if I hear the commentator say this in the first five minutes "Wow, it's been a long time since I watched this movie...I hope I can remember some good stories."  Eject.

2) Don't be too descriptive. -  I have eyes.  I've seen the movie before.  I don't need the director to tell me exactly what is going on in the film during every scene.  "Right now, Susie is running away from Freddy Krueger."  Duh!!  Eject.

3) Don't have too many people in a room at once (especially if the people weren't directly involved with the film). - My worst commentary experience ever involved a contest winner.  Some guy won a spot on a commentary for a Simpsons DVD.  It was probably a good promotional stunt, but it was a terrible commentary.  Dumb questions, nervous laughter, silence, and general unrelated discussions ensued.
It's almost as bad when you stick too many commentators in a room.  Inevitably someone's phone rings, someone else starts talking about their daily life, and everyone talks over everyone else.  Eject.

I pray that one day we can live in world with clean-air, babies riding gravity defying motorbikes, and DVD commentaries that are informative, funny, and void of silence.  I can dream, can't I?

Commercial Mascots Taught Me Everything I Know About Stealing Stuff

As I look back on my childhood, I realize how frequently television tried to tell me that thievery was normal and "okay."  The following are a list of commercial mascots from the 80's who were either trying to steal a particular brand of food or who were having that brand stolen from them:

1) Hamburglar - the original food thief extraordinaire.
2) Trix Rabbit
3) The Noid
4) Lucky Charms Leprechaun - constantly on the run from a rainbow coalition of kids trying to steal his food.
5) Cookie Crisp Robber - At first it was a robber and a cop....then a robber, a cop, and the robber's dog.....then the robber and the cop went away and the dog turned into a wolf.
6) Chester Cheetah - It ain't easy doing thirty to life.....for being cheezy.

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And, while my memory is kind of fuzzy on these, I am pretty sure the Coco Puff bird thingy and Toucan Sam were thieves or were also in constant fear of their precious cereal being stolen.  With role models like these, it's shocking that I am not a klepto (although I have been known to try and destroy the freshness of Domino's pizza).