TOP TEN DVDS AND BLU RAYS OF 2013

I initially thought I was going to start the month discussing my favorite movies.  However, since I haven't seen THE HOBBIT or ANCHORMAN 2 yet, I'll hold off until I decide if they are worthy to end up on a top ten list of a blog that gets two or three hits a day.  Instead, let's discuss some of the best Blu-Rays that I spent too much money on this year.


10) PACIFIC RIM - Thank god that Guillermo Del Toro knows we buy Blu Rays for special features...because his movies are always packed.  As usual, his commentary is a highlight, a lecture on how to layer a film with imagery and symbols that work on the viewer's subconscious.  For anyone who felt this movie was "shallow," listen to this commentary and discover how much thought was put into everything on the screen.  Simply amazing.

9) CHUCKY: THE COMPLETE COLLECTION - Universal did a great job getting all the Child's Play movies in one place.  They even licensed the first film from MGM just so the boxset could be "complete."  The set disappoints in extras for the 2nd and 3rd movie...because there aren't any.  If nothing else, the scenes from the television versions would have been a nice inclusion.  Thankfully the other movies have all the extras present in the DVD counterparts.  If this set doesn't interest you, I urge you to pick up the standalone release of CURSE OF CHUCKY...the best direct to DVD horror film in years.

8) REGULAR SHOW: SEASONS 1 AND 2 - A Blu Ray packed with 11 minute doses of off-the-wall 80's nostalgia.  Surprisingly packed with special features for an animated series on Cartoon Network, the picture quality on this Blu ray is great.  Each episode has a commentary and there are even a few documentaries and unaired episodes.  If you are a fan, pick it up.

7) THE WALKING DEAD: SEASON 3 - The world's best zombie soap opera comes back with another strong Blu Ray release.  Commentaries, featurettes, and the chance to see Andrea go the way of the dodo in hi-def are just some of the treats that await fans of this amazing series.

6) THE FOG -  The folks at SHOUT FACTORY released a lot of great Blus of classic horror this year.  This one is so good that it gave me new appreciation for a John Carpenter film that has never been one of my favorites.  If nothing else, we get Tom Atkins in a commentary...and that is worth the price of admission alone.

5)  MAN OF STEEL - The movie is flawed...but the Blu Ray is not.  Best feature: watch the movie with Zach Snyder, cast, and crew as they discuss every aspect that went into making this movie.  A nice combination of commentary and documentary.

4) THE HOBBIT: EXTENDED EDITION - Not only is the extended cut superior, but the commentaries and documentaries really shed light on every aspect of the making of this movie.  I was shocked that they even touched on Guillermo Del Toro's brief stint in the director's chair.  Man, what I wouldn't give to see that movie.

3) THIS IS 40 - Judd Apatow's latest looks and sounds great on Blu Ray.  It has an hour long making of, insightful commentary, and the usual collection of deleted scenes, alternate lines, and gag reels that make each Apatow Blu Ray such a treat.

2) THE HOWLING - Another reference quality release from SHOUT FACTORY.  Outstanding picture quality and a lot of solid documentaries cover everything you would want to know about the making of this werewolf classic.  The transformation scenes are especially impressive in this new transfer.

1) SINISTER - While this Blu only contains a couple of lame featurettes and some commentaries, the movie is worth having in any horror fan's collection.  I was truly scared by this movie...it's what I wanted THE CONJURING to be.

There it is...another year, another fortune spent on home media.  Thank god I have an understanding wife.

Robert Rodriguez.....Tarantino's Less Talented Younger Brother

I used to love Robert Rodriguez.  However, I think, after seeing the trailer for MACHETE KILLS, that I have finally moved on.  And, after seeing the box office turnout for his latest (and probably final) MACHETE flick, I would postulate that everyone else has moved on too. The man who gave us the fun and gritty EL MARIACHI and DESPERADO has finally devolved into creating live action cartoons with no story, mediocre acting, misplaced humor, and an over reliance on CGI.  He has squandered and relied on the goodwill created by his early films to continue producing increasingly bad films that imitate but fail to understand what makes even the worst genre films succeed on some level.

1) Casting - When Tarantino casts a movie with unexpected or down-on-their-luck genre actors it is because he sees something in those actors that he believes they will bring to the character.  There is a reason Robert Forster was nominated for an Academy Award for JACKIE BROWN, he gave an unexpectedly subtle and touching performance.  He had been relegated to B-Movie schlock, but Tarantino saw something in him and brought that out in a moving performance.  This is also the reason that Tarantino cast Travolta in PULP FICTION.  Tarantino knew that Travolta's abilities were greater than the roles he was being offered and he just needed someone to give him an opportunity to show his acting chops.

Rodriguez has no such skill in casting based off of ability.  More often than not it seems he relies solely on stunt casting.  Willem Dafoe as a drug overlord?  Mel Gibson as a terrorist leader?  Charlie Sheen as the President?  Rodriguez isn't hiring these people because of their ability to bring some nuance to a performance...he is hiring them because people will see them in a trailer and say "Oh my God...I can't believe he hired ______."

I would argue that the last time Rodriguez hired based on ability was SIN CITY.  Every person in that movie made more of their performance than the graphic novel roots of the film dictated.  For example, Mickey Rourke brings heart and soul to the character of Marv that is both surprising and unexpected.  However, I believe that if Rodriguez was making the film today he would have cast Romeo Rose as Marv just so the audience would be shocked by who was cast, not by how well they acted.  Unfortunately this stunt casting also dates the movies and any articles written complaining about them.

Image source:1zoom.net

2) Kids Movies - We all loved SPY KIDS.  It was actually kind of unusual family entertainment.  Then Rodriguez started churning out more SPY KIDS movies to diminishing returns.  Then he let his kid write ADVENTURES OF SHARK BOY AND LAVA GIRL.  Do you think Hitchcock would have ever let his five year old daughter script a movie?  No, he wouldn't.  There's a reason for that.

I just want Rodriguez to quit dipping his toes in the kiddie pool every few years. It's not doing his career any favors.

3) Overreliance on Comedy - Tarantino sprinkles his films with darkly humorous moments that come from character reactions to the implausible situations they are placed in or based on the realistic dialogue and interactions of the characters.  Unfortunately, Rodriguez doesn't know how to write dialogue, so he relies on constant splat-stick to keep his movies humorous.  Rodriguez doesn't know how much humor to add, often making his films feel like comedies when they are supposed to be action films.

For example, MACHETE would have been amazing if he had played it straight and acted as if he was making a serious movie.  The humor would have naturally arisen from grizzled Danny Trejo getting the ladies and killing the bad-guys.  Rodriguez thinks that we need to be told what is funny, so we are hit over the head with excessive gore, bad jokes, lame catch-phrases, and spotty acting.  He doesn't trust the humor to arise from the situation, and so tries to artificially create laughs, creating a movie with no real identity.

Don't get me started on MACHETE KILLS.  It looks like a live action LOONEY TUNES cartoon but without the subtle humor of Speedy Gonzalez.

4) Scripts - Rodriguez does not know how to write a script.  Even his simplest films contain elements that make no sense.  I'll never forget when I got to the big reveal of PLANET TERROR that was supposed to explain everything.  I actually had to watch it several times just to get what had happened....and I still don't really get the explanation.  I think the US Government created the virus to give to soldiers who killed Osama Bin Laden because they didn't want anyone to know we had killed Osama for some reason.  Don't get me started on ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO.  I have no idea what the hell was going on. I think some government people staged a coup to steal some money and make Johnny Depp a blind hitman.  Or something like that. Some people probably think this is an homage to the mediocre writing of the drive-in movies of yore.  If any other filmmaker had done these movies I would have agreed.  But since Rodriguez wrote them I'm going to assume he didn't know how to write a comprehensible explanation or plotline.

Image source:dvdbeaver.com

It's no coincidence that the two of the best films Rodriguez directed, FROM DUSK TILL DAWN and SIN CITY, weren't written by Rodriguez.  One could argue that he wrote SIN CITY, but since the movie is almost a word for word copy of the graphic novels from Frank Miller, I don't know how much credit can actually be given to Rodriguez.

5) TOO MUCH CGI!!! - PLANET TERROR was a great blast of live action gore effects.  CGI was used sparingly, and mainly to enhance practical effects.  However, I feel like Rodriguez is getting further and further into CGI territory with every film.  The issue is that his films rarely have the budget to afford the quality of CGI needed to convince an audience of their reality and suspend disbelief.  Therefore, I suggest that he stick to real tangible effects in order to deliver something the audience feels like they could reach out and touch.  Also, CGI blood sucks.


You're welcome, Robert.  I'm glad you asked for my advice.  Let me know if you need anything else.

TOP 31 HORROR FILMS TO WATCH BEFORE HALLOWEEN

Halloween is my favorite time of year, so I decided to make a list of 31 movies to watch this month.  I consciously tried to avoid the usual suspects and really come up with some movies you wouldn't normally think of watching.  I WILL NOT suggest you watch THE EXORCIST.  Also, I tend to gravitate towards sequels.  You've probably already seen A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET.  It's time to branch out.

1) TRICK R TREAT - Watch it on Halloween.  Watch it!
2) CREEPSHOW - The best anthology movie of all-time.  This movie warped my young mind and scared me so bad that I am still freaked out by a couple of scenes. I'm looking at you, human head on cake!
3) CABIN IN THE WOODS - Might just be the best deconstruction of the horror genre and the people who love it.  We are all Gods who require a blood sacrifice to be satisfied.
4) SUSPIRIA - Doesn't make a lick of sense.  But it creates art out of gore.  And it has a room filled with barbed wire.

Image source: horrornovie.blospot.com

5) THE MIST - If Rod Serling were a complete asshole he would have written the twist for this movie.  It's that mean-spirited.
6) THE RING - Still the best J-Horror remake.  I might actually like this better than the original.  Sea serpent rape is a lame backstory/explanation - - sorry, Japan.
7) SLITHER - 80's style horror comedy done right.
8) 28 WEEKS LATER - I love the original, but felt like this one got rid of the slow shots of people looking out of windows and replaced them with an unrelenting pace and a great set-up for another sequel that has yet to be made.
9) TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE - One of the first truly bleak endings in horror.  Evil isn't vanquished, and our heroine is stark raving mad.
10) HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES - The ending is like a living haunted house.  Plus it has Sid Haig as Captain Spaulding.
11) THE DESCENT - Prehistoric blind cave monsters vs spelunkers.  Another bleak ending.  Are we seeing a pattern?  Happy endings are for suckers.
12) CABIN FEVER - Copious amounts of gore and boobs.  You're welcome.
13) DRAG ME TO HELL - Possibly the most fun I ever had watching a horror film in a movie theater.  This movie proves that you don't need blood to make a gory horror film.  Snot and saliva are good substitutes.
14) NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD - I said there wouldn't be any standards on this list....but you have to watch this movie at least once in October.
15) CHILD'S PLAY - Still one of the best killer doll movies of all time.
16) SINISTER - One of the more recent films  on the list.  I loved every second of it.  Imagine 8MM mixed with a haunted house movie.
17) DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW - You will see the ending coming a mile away.  However, everything is done so well, and the last shot is so creepy, that you won't care.
18) ZOMBIE - A truly hardcore Italian zombie film.  Once it gets going every scene has an iconic image that has changed or influenced the zombie genre ever since.
19) BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN - Funnier and with more pathos than the original.  There's also some pretty subversive and sacrilegious stuff going on throughout the film.
20) PUMPKINHEAD - A fun backwoods monster movie.  Avoid the sequels at all costs.
21) THE RUINS - It's LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS with less singing and more self-mutilation.

Image source: fanpop.com

22) PARANORMAL ACTIVITY - Found footage horror done right.  Shows just enough to keep it interesting.  My only complaint is that the original ending was better...but would have kept sequels from getting made.
23) THE HILLS HAVE EYES (Remake) - Eschews Wes Craven's hippy-dippy "If we fight the monsters we become the monsters" thesis for post 9/11 cowboy propaganda.  Yes, the American flag can be used as a weapon to kill our enemies.
24) SAW II - The best twist of the entire series.  Like all good horror sequels, it ups the ante in all the right ways.
25) THE GRUDGE - Kabuki makeup has never been more terrifying.  Both the original and the remake are equally good.  You choose.
26) NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3 - Loses the pseudo-artsy tone of the original and makes the kills more inventive.  Freddy is starting to become more jokey.....but it hasn't gone overboard yet.
27) THE THING - John Carpenter wants us to know that you can't always expect a clean resolution...especially when alien replicants are involved.
28) LET THE RIGHT ONE IN - Leave it to the Swedes to make vampires scary again in a post-TWILIGHT world.
29) DAWN OF THE DEAD (Remake) - The social commentary in the original might be better...but this one is a whole hell of a lot scarier.
30) GRACE - Baby body-horror.  Plays it completely straight until the pitch black punchline leaves us with a laugh and a gag.
31) EVIL DEAD - The original.  The classic.  The tree lover's nightmare.

That's it for this week, boils and ghouls.  Pleasant Screams!!

I've Found the Reason Music Videos Were Invented: The Fox by Ylvis

Synchronized disco fox furries in the woods.

Mind blown.

You're Welcome.

TOP FIVE ROB ZOMBIE FILM MOMENTS

I remember it like it was yesterday.

HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES was probably the first film I remember waiting in anticipation for.  I visited the website every week for updates.  I watched the trailer that was on the video cassette release of PITCH BLACK so many times the tape started to wear out.  When Universal dropped it and it sat in limbo for two years I was devastated.

So, when I learned it was finally getting released but I would have to drive an hour and a half to see it my friends and I hopped in a car and made a trip of it.  That's right.  I drove for an hour and a half to see HO1C and it was totally worth it.  I had no idea what to expect, and what I got was TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE on acid. Plus we got to eat at Pancho's afterwards, so that helped make the drive payoff.

My filmic love affair with Rob Zombie has continued unabated ever since.  The horror community is pretty hot and cold on his work, but I have to give the man credit for making the movies he wants to make, for better or worse.  Even his HALLOWEEN movies manage to stand on their own two feet and separate themselves both tonally and plot wise from the films that came before.  I might not completely enjoy their white trash aesthetic but I have to give him credit for breaking the mold and even turning what could have been a cookie cutter remake into something brutal.

There is no beauty in the violence you see in a Rob Zombie movie.  They are gritty and nihilistic. They are not fun.  You aren't going to invite your friends over to have a party and watch THE DEVIL'S REJECTS.  He is a filmmaker who wants us to drop our preconceived notions of what a horror film should be.  I think he should be commended for that.  Listed below are five moments that I think define his work.

1) HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES (THE OPENING REEL) - I honestly had no idea what to expect when the movie started and we were dropped in the middle of an average evening at Captain Spaulding's Museum of Monsters and Madmen.  What the hell was going on?  It was kind of funny.  That weird guy from the episode of STAR TREK with the killer kids was talking with a middle-aged clown about Planet of the Apes dolls going up butts, and then, without warning, robbers were getting slaughtered by a guy wearing a huge plastic clown head.  I was hooked.  The rest of the movie doesn't quite live up to the opening scene....but it comes damn close.

2)  HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES (I REMEMBER YOU) - Like Quentin Tarantino, Rob Zombie is an expert at taking music and making you forever associate that music with his films.  His use of Slim Whitman's  "I Remember You" foreshadows his future use of "Freebird" and "Love Hurts" to create movie moments that, once watched, will forever change how you view those songs.  Most people I have watched the movie with hate this scene and think it is boring.  I think it is an amazing way to create tension and do something different with a scene that could have been very cliched.    

3) THE DEVIL'S REJECTS (FREEBIRD SHOOTOUT) - The Hotel Scene may be more unsettling, but I think the way Rob Zombie ends this film is a work of art.  Once again he goes against the trend of sequels and decides he is going to kill his antagonists and end things on his own terms.  There will be no more sequels.  He told the story he wanted to tell, and he is going out on top.

4) HALLOWEEN II (ENDING)  - This scene is completely surreal, completely unexpected, and a real indication of where Rob would be going with his next movie.

5) LORDS OF SALEM (TURKEY DEVIL BABY) - Surreal and creepy in all the right ways.   I really want everyone who hates this movie to watch it and imagine yourself at a Grind house in 1977 watching it as a double feature with SUSPIRIA. It is a perfect companion to the art house, slow-burn of 1970's occult films.  A really interesting film that I hope finds new life on Blu-Ray.

Don't EVER Complain About The WATCHMEN Movie In Front of Me

WATCHMEN is one of my favorite movies.  I think my obsession with this film is probably only matched by my obsession with PROMETHEUS....another film that the geek community seems to have a love/hate relationship with.  I have both personal and filmic reasons why I think WATCHMEN is an amazing, beautiful, horrific, somewhat misunderstood movie, that deserves much more credit than it has received from the world-at-large.

THE PERSONAL REASON

Blogs are all about self-disclosure.

Mine isn't.

But the other day I was looking through my movie collection and came across my DVD of WATCHMEN and was instantly taken back to March, 2009.  A month that was life-changing, traumatic, and one of the most terrifying periods in my life.

In late February 2009 I was diagnosed with a brain tumor.  It had gone undetected for many years.  Other health problems had masked its symptoms and when the doctors finally found the tumor it was beginning to seriously affect my ability to breath, stand up, and function on a day-to-day basis.  I have been through many difficult situations in my life, and I try to keep a positive attitude and humor about my problems.  However, in this situation, I found my ability to cope stretched to its limits.  Thankfully I found something to look forward to in all the chaos of that moment.

Like most comic book fans, I was already excited for WATCHMEN.  I hadn't read the graphic novel, but I'm kind of weird that way.  I'm a comic book fan who tends to just watch comic book movies.  I don't actually read comics.  However, after my diagnosis, my desire to see the film turned into an obsession.  I even shaved a smiley face into my hair to celebrate seeing the movie.  In that month before my surgery I viewed WATCHMEN as the last thing I had to look forward to during that uncertain time.  And, as a movie fan, maybe the last important movie I would ever see.

I remember at one point sitting in my room contemplating my possible death and actually thinking "Well, at least I got to see WATCHMEN...."

It's the little things that get you through, I suppose.

THE MOVIE

While I could go on and on about the acting, the directing, the set-design, the fights, and everything else that makes WATCHMEN work, I would like to focus on the most controversial aspect of the movie: the ending.  The ending of the movie adds something that I feel is lacking in the graphic novel....something every good drama needs to succeed.

Films are about sacrifice.

Sophie had to make a choice.  Schindler made a list.  Vader saved Luke.

Sacrifice is exactly what the graphic novel lacks.  Space Octopi uniting the world is an okay ending, I suppose.  However, Dr. Manhattan being used as a scapegoat and common enemy for the world to unite against means that The Watchmen have to make a real sacrifice in order to keep world peace.  Dr. Manhattan, the world's first real superhero, is now a villain.  This adds an extra level of loss that the graphic novel lacks and creates a more satisfying filmic, experience.

So, in conclusion, don't talk bad about WATCHMEN around me.  Ain't gonna fly.  Also, I'm sorry I got all dramatic.  It won't happen again.  I swear.

SHARKNADO: A review of the 20 minutes I managed to watch before changing the channel.

SciFi Channel movies (I refuse to write SyFy) used to be awesome.  I still love ALIEN APOCALYPSE with Bruce Campbell.  In fact, outside of the EVIL DEAD trilogy it might be my favorite Bruce Campbell movie.  Sure it was made on a shoestring budget, the aliens looked like grasshoppers, and the acting sucked, but at least you felt like SciFi was trying to make a good movie.  Unfortunately, based on the quality of SHARKNADO, it seems that SciFi has forgotten the #1 rule of making a successful B-Movie.

B-MOVIES ONLY SUCCEED IF THE FILMMAKER SETS OUT TO MAKE A GOOD MOVIE.

This is the simple rule by which I judge all B-movies, and it has served me well for years.  For example, in the mid-nineties a slasher flick came out called JACK FROST.  The villain was played straight...even though he was a talking snowman.  The comedy was situational and occurred as a result of the insanity of having to deal with a killer snowman. Similarly, any deficits in production value are clearly as a result of a micro-budget movie...not because the director didn't care. The filmmakers had no budget and were obviously trying to make the best killer snowman movie they could.  The result is a movie I don't mind showing to people because it is a "party" movie.  You can laugh at the absurdity of the movie but still see the genuine skill...or attempts at skill.

Image source: comiccatacombs.blogspot.com

And then JACK FROST 2: ATTACK OF THE MUTANT KILLER SNOWMAN happened.

As soon as I hit the PLAY button on my VCR I knew something was off about the sequel.  The villain was played for laughs.  The gore was toned down.  The acting, which was pretty poor in the original, was now exaggerated to the point of parody.  Nothing worked.  The filmmakers saw that audiences found the original film funny, but failed to understand that it was the serious reactions of the characters being put in an insane situation that brought the humor into an otherwise B-picture.  However, with tongue planted firmly in cheek for the sequel, the filmmakers undermined the project and killed the franchise.

And so it is with SHARKNADO and all current SciFi Original Pictures.

Image source: Huffingtonpost

At no point in the time I was watching SHARKNADO did I feel like anyone cared.  Sight-lines were never right.  Shots didn't match up.  Green Screen photography was constant and obvious.  The special effects were terrible (unsurprisingly). Katrina stock footage was prevalent. Tara Reid.  Every scene felt like it had been made by someone who didn't care and actually believed people want to just see a bad movie because they like bad movies.

These yahoos probably think that Ed Wood was trying purposefully to make PLAN 9 bad movie.  No!!!  Ed Wood was trying to make a great movie....he just didn't have any talent.  It is his failure to make a good movie that makes PLAN 9 a classic.  Unfortunately for us, the makers of SHARKNADO not only lack talent, they lack respect for their audience.

SHARKNADO (The 20 minutes I watched): 1/10.

I dub thee SHITNADO.

How C3-PO and R2-D2 screwed up Scotty and Bones

I loved STAR TREK: INTO DARKNESS.  As a piece of 9/11 allegory it was top notch.  The acting was great, the action was dynamic, and it felt like J.J. Abrams finally got the spirit of STAR TREK.  I might even have a slight man-crush on Zachary Quinto.  But, like an evening out with a German mime, my experience was not all smiles and sunshine.  And my issue arose in the unlikeliest of places...J.J. Abrams ham-fisted attempt to make Scotty and Bones the comic relief.

Image source: forums.stevehoffman.tv

I am so sick of sci-fi and fantasy filmmakers thinking that each movie needs a character or characters whose only purpose seems to be a constant stream of gags and punchlines.  And, like many things in my life, I blame George Lucas.  More specifically, C3-PO and R2-D2.  Before those sassy droids, fantasy filmmakers let humor arise naturally out of situations.  However, since that first moment C3-PO and R2-D2 bitched their way across the desert on Tatooine filmmakers have felt beholden to keep the kiddies happy with a steady stream of jokes and prat falls.

George Lucas, like the filmmakers inspired by STAR WARS, has fallen prey to the trend he created and allowed C3-PO and R2-D2 to dictate the future direction of the STAR WARS films.  As the series has continued Lucas has added more and more comic relief both furry (Ewoks) and mildly racist (Gungans) to the series.  This trend unfortunately turned STAR WARS from a space opera to a kiddie fartfest.  Not content to ruin only STAR WARS Lucas also managed to infest Indiana Jones with wacky sidekicks who got Indy into outlandish situations, were cute and Asian, or screamed shrilly for the entire movie.

While I'm annoyed with J. J. Abrams, he isn't the worst offender.  Aside from George Lucas and STAR WARS, Peter Jackson's LORD OF THE RINGS and, more recently THE HOBBIT, have been increasingly beholden to comic relief.  Jackson has seen fit to bombard us with a steady stream of midgets with odd facial hair who sing and screw things up frequently.  With Merry and Pippin it was okay, but at least half of the characters in THE HOBBIT were just there to mug for the camera and be indistinguishable from each other unless you happen to remember what odd facial hair belonged to what dwarf.

What about Scotty and Bones and their roles in STAR TREK: INTO DARKNESS?  The STAR TREK reboot was a fluffy action movie, so I didn't really notice that Bones and Scotty were there just to spout their catchphrases over and over again.  This issue didn't really effect me until I saw the more serious and socially minded INTO DARKNESS a few weeks ago.  Because of the serious tone the constant comic relief is more obvious and grates against the social commentary present in the rest of the film.

Bones and his role in the STAR TREK universe are especially hurt by the transformation into comic relief.  In the original series he was a counterpoint to Spock's inability to express emotion or to do anything that wasn't "rational."  However, since Abrams has given this counterpoint relationship to Kirk and Spock I think he had a hard time figuring out what Bones' new role would be.  I guess he decided that Bones should just stand in the background and angrily spout various iterations of his "Damnit Jim I'm a doctor not a ________" catchphrase and other lame jokes.

Image source: spikeface.tumblr.com

Scotty isn't treated much better, but he was also less defined in the original series.  Unless something went wrong with engine or someone needed to be transported he didn't really have much to do.  INTO DARKNESS casts him a drunken Scottish stereotype that runs to a bar at the first sign of conflict.  He fares better than Bones only because Abrams does give him the chance to save the day several times and to step out of the engine room to become part of the plot.  He isn't a deep character, but he's an important one.  So, I'm going to give Abrams a partial pass on Scotty.

So, in conclusion, I have a dream....a dream where filmmakers treat revered characters with respect and do not feel the need to appeal to kids and teenagers by making their films more "funny."  Where humor arises out of situations, not falling droids and Hobbit farts.  I have a dream.

Random Brief Ramblings - Power Rangers, Rambo Cartoons, THE ABC's OF DEATH, a plea to SHOUT FACTORY, and Other Hooplah

I've had a hard time recently coming up with anything I felt deserved an entire post.....just a lot of little random thoughts.  Finally I realized that if I collected these random thoughts together I might have enough to keep you entertained for a few seconds.  So, without further ado.....

Who actually thought Rambo would make a good Saturday morning cartoon?
"We have a great idea....let's turn that movie about the Vietnam Vet with PTSD into a cartoon!"
"The Deer Hunter?"
"No...Rambo! But The Deer Hunter might work for an after school series..."
Seriously.....it makes as much sense as making WATCHMEN or THE TOXIC AVENGER into a cartoon......Oh, wait....

THE ABC'S OF DEATH is not as bad as you have heard.  Out of 26 shorts, I would say that roughly half of the are quite good, a quarter are "okay," and the rest "suck."  That's in line with just about every anthology movie that has ever been made.

How did MIGHTY MORPHIN' POWER RANGERS last so long?  When I was a kid it was merely a show I had to endure so I could get to BATMAN: THE ANIMATED SERIES.

The moment that a NINJA TURTLE gave a villain a "wet willie," it was game over for me and the TURTLES.

BOGLINS were so friggin' cool.

Finally, can someone please put out a decent Blu Ray of CREEPSHOW?  I'm looking at you, SHOUT FACTORY.....

My Top Five Genre Short Films

I have never been much of a reader, so I often gravitate toward short stories.  In my opinion, ten pages or fewer is perfect.  Give me the set-up, the background, and then get to the punchline.  I feel the same way about movies sometimes.  I'm fine investing my time in a full length movie most of the time, but occasionally I just want to watch something for ten minutes and be done with it.

5) MAMA - This little slice of terror is the basis for the underrated horror film of the same name that came out earlier this year. It just came out on DVD and I highly recommend you see it if you haven't already.

4) THE CAT WITH HUMAN HANDS - I can't remember how I came across this, but I seem to forget about it and then run across it again every two or three years.

3) SUCKABLOOD - Sounds like a blacksploitation vampire movie.  It isn't.

2) THE WINTER STALKER - Christmas horror films are always the best....so it stands to reason that short films would be good too.

1) STRUCTURE KILL - Hey!!!  There's a killer in your backseat....and his ghost girlfriend is clingy!!!

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF WHINY MOVIE FANS - A Completely Un-Topical Article

I'm in the process of watching the Indiana Jones movies right now, and rewatching the movies in order has made me even more confused about why everyone hates KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL.  Don't get me wrong, I understand a lot of the complaints:

Image source: indianajones.moviesource.com

Yeah, the monkey scene is pretty damn close to a "Jar Jar" level of stupidity.

I agree....Shia Leboeuf kind of sucks.

The Russians are lame compared to the Nazis.

The Fridge.

Why didn't they just make them aliens?  What the hell are Inter-Dimensional Beings?

Aside from these complaints, though, I don't have an issue with KOTCS.  In fact, it might be my second favorite of the Indy films after RAIDERS.  Don't worry....I have my reasons

1)  Cate Blanchett is awesome as the villain - In fact, she's the first villain to really make an impression since RAIDERS.  Neither TEMPLE OF DOOM or LAST CRUSADE had a villain who stood out, and I was glad that KINGDOM gave the Russian menace a "face."  Her performance may have been "over-the-top," but like everything else in KINGDOM this simply a result of a loving homage to the type of movie an audience would have seen in the fifties.

2) Spielberg was very up-front about Aliens being involved due to the 50's setting. - It really does make sense to involve aliens if you are going to set a film in the 1950's.  The Nazi's were obsessed with religious artifacts, so that made sense for the 40's, but America was obsessed with aliens in the 1950's.  It's not like they dropped the religious artifacts entirely, they just made them less biblical.

3)  The basic plot structure is exactly the same as RAIDERS and LAST CRUSADE. - Villain searches for artifact.  Indiana searches for artifact.  Indiana gets artifact.  Villain steals artifact.  Villain is destroyed by artifact while Indiana Jones sits back and laughs.

Sometimes movie geeks just can't be pleased.  They scream for FAMILY GUY to come back on the air......and then complain when it comes back.  The same thing happened with STAR WARS.  Poor Indy suffered the same fate.  Here's my message to you, movie fans:  Don't be so sentimental about the past....RAIDERS was great, but it's just a movie.  TEMPLE is just a movie.  LAST CRUSADE is just a movie.  They are really good movies, but they are....just.....movies.  Movies are meant to be enjoyed.  Enjoy them.

Blood in Movies: Creating mood for DJANGO UNCHAINED

I started watching DJANGO UNCHAINED tonight and something occurred to me about how we interpret and react to violence in film: it's all about how they treat the blood.  This had never occurred to me before, because I had never seen a film like DJANGO.  When it comes to blood, DJANGO UNCHAINED is like two completely separate movies meant to illicit two very different reactions from the audience.  Tarantino has essentially created a film which compares and contrasts how the treatment of violence (symbolized by the blood)  effects an audience's reaction to violence in film.

WARNING!!!  The scenes below contain violence and spoilers!!!!  Watch only if you have seen DJANGO UNCHAINED and want to examine how Tarantino films violence.

Scene 1

Mandingo fight - Tarantino doesn't pull any punches with showing the desperation and brutality of the fighters (and the men who want them to fight) and makes sure that the audience is repulsed by the display of not only the fighters, but of the men who are watching them fight.  The blood is used sparingly, but looks so realistic that we as an audience are empathetic to the plight of the slaves forced to fight for their lives because their anguish and the damage they inflict on each other doesn't "look fake."  There are no sprays of gore, just two men covered in blood, fighting each other in an attempt not to shed any more blood themselves.

Scene 2

The Shootout - This scene is the complete opposite in both tone and blood consistency.  Look at how Tarantino sprays blood from bullet hits like the human body was a pressurized blood cannon.  The violence here is supposed to elicit a cathartic effect from the audience.  We have seen these men fight slaves to the death and beat women.  We have listened to them espouse their insane world views at length.  We want revenge.

There are many more examples within DJANGO of how Tarantino conducts the audience's emotional reaction as if he were leading an orchestra.  He is a master showman at the top of his form and he wants us to see the brutality of slavery (by using realistic violence and blood) and to cheer as the slave drivers are killed by Django (by turning humans into blood bags filled with explosives).  Even after all these years Tarantino has something new to show us if we are willing to go along for his crazy self-referential ride.  Thank you, Mr. Tarantino.

My Lumpy Obsession with Lumpy Space Princess

I cannot put into words how happy this video makes me.  If you don't like it.....Lump Off!!!

Movie Review: Evil Dead (How to Make a Remake That Doesn't Piss Me Off)

PROLOGUE

In Which I Apologize

I  really thought that this was going to be easier to write.

I have strong opinions on how to remake a horror film and I loved the new EVIL DEAD. This blog post should be a cinch.

But it hasn't.

In all honesty, I think I (for once) have too many opinions.  Remakes are so despised by the horror community that I really feel like I need to come to their defense.  And the only way to do that is to be far more verbose than I like to be on a day to day basis.  Don't worry...I'll put in a  lot of pictures and videos to break up the monotony.

PART I

In Which I Defend Remakes

I don't hate remakes.

Whoa!!  Put down your torches and pitchforks.  Let me explain.

I'm not saying I love all remakes.  PSYCHO was terrible.  THE HITCHER sucked.  THE STEPFATHER? Hunka hunka burnin' suck.  However, the main issue was that these films was that they were carbon copies of much better films, not that they were remakes  The original version of THE HITCHER was a twisty Psychological cat and mouse game with an emphasis on suspense.  The remake loses the subtext, tells the exact same story, and throws us a curve ball by.......making the protagonist a woman.  Whoa!!!  Also, Sean Bean is no Rutger Hauer.   The remake of PSYCHO is even worse because it changes nothing.  NOTHING!!! It is a shot for shot remake of one of Hitchcock's greatest movies.,,,starring Vince "The Break-up" Vaughn.

Image Source: scifinow.co.uk

In my opinion, good remakes subvert an audiences expectations by playing with their knowledge of the previous films, putting a new spin on the villain's motives, or taking the material into new directions while paying homage to the films that came before.  For example, everyone who has seen the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre knows what happens when the teens pick up The Hitchhiker at the beginning of the movie.  Imagine my surprise when I started to watch the remake and The Hitchhiker is not a member of the family, it is a young victim of the Chainsaw Family who commits suicide in the teens' car to avoid getting caught.  After this scene I had no idea what to expect and, even though the rest of the movie plays out fairly similarly to the original, the fact that the screenwriter took the intro in a new direction kept me off balance for the entire film.

Image Source:Badassdigest.com

The term "remake" is also hard to properly define as it relates to the horror genre.  Aren't many horror movie "sequels" glorified remakes of the movies that came before?  Think about it, whether you are talking about Nightmare on Elm Street, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, or Friday the 13th, every sequel is essentially a remake of the first film in that series with new victims.  Some of the details may change, but the stories are always very familiar because audiences love familiarity.  Teens go where they shouldn't.  Teens have sex.  Teens get slaughtered.  One last teen "defeats" the killer and either gets signed to the sequel or starts hitting the convention circuit.

Part III

In Which I Express My Love of THE EVIL DEAD

Which brings me to THE EVIL DEAD.

Simply put, I loved this movie.  EVIL DEAD (2013) took everything I knew about the original and turned it upside down, while giving us small winks and nods to remind us that we were in the same universe that Ash Williams had visited back in 1981.  The filmmakers knew that they were going to be in trouble with fans if they created a carbon copy, and so they immediately dropped many of the things associated with EVIL DEAD: the humor, the look of the Deadites, the cheesy dialogue, and, most importantly, Ash.  I think the absence of any version of Bruce Campbell's iconic schmo/hero enabled EVIL DEAD to tell a new story and cut its own bloody swath while standing on its own Deadite feet more than any other story choice they could have made.

Don't worry, the new film pays homage where necessary...but many of these scenes are subtle.  In fact, in many cases, the homage is use of old sound effects or the presence of important weapons or modes of transportation.  Even scenes that reference the original are so tonally different that they feel like a true plot-point rather than lip service for the fans.  Most importantly, the set-up of five friends going to the woods has been updated for an age when people can party at home...they really don't need to drive into the middle of nowhere to get drunk and have sex.  Instead we have five friends coming together to help our heroine, Mia, kick her drug habit.  This creates a completely new scenario and also makes it more plausible when the friends decide to ignore her claims of "evil in the woods."

Of course, all the clever scripting in the world couldn't save an EVIL DEAD movie if the special effects sucked. And, thank god, they don't.  The filmmakers chose to go old school and keep the effects practical, visceral, and bathed in gore.  I have never seen a movie on the big screen that so gleefully cut its stars to ribbons and unapologetically sprays them with fake blood and other fluids.  I won't spoil anything for those who haven't seen it, but self mutilation is the word of the day, and I don't think the fake blood industry is going out of business anytime soon.

My only minor quibble comes with the ending.  Something felt off, and I don't know what it was,  The final fight really came out of left-field and felt out of place with the tone of the rest of the movie.  Suddenly I felt like I was watching the final fight in TERMINATOR, but the T-800 was recast as a demon with no nipples.  The ending also felt rushed.  The screen cut to black almost immediately after the fight had finished.  No pause to reflect, no additional plot point, just a hard cut to black.  For some reason this bugged me, although I have a feeling that more ending was shot and not used.  I guess I'll have to wait for the Blu Ray.

And, believe me, when EVIL DEAD crawls onto Blu later this year, I'm definitely visiting these woods again.

Rating: 9/10

Hey, Terry Crews, will you keep everyone busy until I'm done with my EVIL DEAD review? Thanks.

I don't think there is anything that needs to be said about this except for three things:

1) I love Tim and Eric (they directed these commercials).

2) Terry Crews is awesome.

3) I am hard at work on an EVIL DEAD review that is taking for friggin' ever.

LUV YA.

Mo

Top 5 Movie Trailers of All Time

Trailers are supposed to sell a movie to an audience.  A good trailer gives you information as well as making you ask questions that can only be answered by seeing the movie.  In some instances, the trailer just makes you ask questions....and that's okay too.  However, the trailer should ALWAYS be an accurate representation of the movie you are about to watch.  If you are selling the movie as creepy it better be damn creepy.

The trailers below are perfect examples of how to sell great (and not-so-great) movies to a wide audience.  Take note, Hollywood, this is how you do it right.

5) THE SHINING - The trailer for THE SHINING doesn't have any meaningful footage from the movie, and doesn't let you know anything about the plot.   It is just a shot of elevator doors opening and blood filling a hallway.  If I were in a theater watching that trailer I would be positive that Kubrick had just made a movie comprised of menstrual symbolism and nothing else.  Of course, I would also want to know more.  Kubrick wins.

4) THE HILLS HAVE EYES II - And then there's THE HILLS HAVE EYES II trailer.  This trailer got me so excited for this movie.  Everything works: the music, the camera work....it even manages to have a "surprise ending."  I loved the remake and was so convinced after seeing the trailer that this was going to be a worthy follow up.  Boy was I wrong.  This trailer is so good that it makes the failure of the movie even more annoying.

3) GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO - The music makes this trailer.  I also have to give them massive credit for making the tagline "The feel bad movie of Christmas."  Unfortunately, I think this backfired and turned off a lot of moviegoers.  I thought it was genius.

2) KILL BILL - This trailer copies the old 1970's era trailers perfectly.  It is way too long and gives away waaaay too much of the plot.  However, it is so perfect in its execution that I had to put it on the list.  Plus, you have to love that font at the end.

1) THANKSGIVING - Sometimes a trailer makes you wish a movie existed.  THANKSGIVING is a fake trailer for a fake movie that will probably never get made.  Thankfully everything that would have kicked ass in the movie is probably already in this trailer.  As a huge fan of 1980's horror I was especially impressed with the 80's sounding voiceover provided by Roth himself.

PORTLANDIA - Creating Good Sketch Comedy 101

I still remember when Nick at Nite (which used to show classic shows like MR. ED and THE MANY LOVES OF DOBIE GILLIS instead of FAMILY MATTERS reruns) started showing THE BEST OF SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.  My family taped every episode and I watched them religiously.  I devoured every skit.  I couldn't believe how funny they were.  Every skit was a classic.

Imagine my shock when I finally bought the first season of SNL on DVD and realized that the "great" skits were a veeery minor part of each episode.  In fact THE BEST OF had been culled from the entire first five year run, so each episode had maybe one or two of those sketches at most.  The rest?  Well, let's just say that there is a reason they weren't part of THE BEST OF.

As the years went on, I have kept up with SNL regularly.  I would say that I am still a huge fan of SNL, but I believe that their niche is also their downfall. Because so much of their schtick is commenting on current events and not character driven, the skits become irrelevant almost immediately.  For example, I love THE MILEY CYRUS SHOW....but it doesn't hold up.  It was a product of that brief moment in time when Cyrus was famous for something besides side-boob.  And, in ten years, the skit won't make sense at all.  Believe me, my kids will not get who Miley Cyrus is, nor will they probably care.  In contrast, we can still watch The Coneheads or Debbie Downer sketches because they are character driven, and therefore more universally understood.

In contrast, shows like KIDS IN THE HALL and (more recently) PORTLANDIA never become irrelevant or stale because their comedy is almost entirely character driven and based upon realistic scenarios and worlds that we are given glimpses into.  When Bruce McCulloch and Scott Thompson play the over the hill and bored husband and wife who mistake their son's drugs for meal capsules we laugh because we know these people.  They are archetypes of every middle-aged suburban married couple who have ever lived.  As a result, their trials and tribulations are not only relateable but universal.  They don't just happen in Ontario.

Since the fall of THE KIDS IN THE HALL there hasn't been a lot of character based sketch comedy.  I almost put TIM AND ERIC AWESOME SHOW, GREAT JOB! into this category because of their fascination with cable access culture and the weirdos that make up that subgroup....but so much of their humor keeps you at arm's length that I have a hard time categorizing them as "universal."  PORTLANDIA really is the first skit that I truly feel creates a world that feels real....while maintaining the more absurdist elements of KIDS IN THE HALL or TIM AND ERIC.

The "Put a Bird on it" Sketch is a perfect example of what I am talking about.  Odd but relatable.  Everyone knows someone crafty who thinks that adding birds or some other small animal to a cloth bag or vase makes it "art."  These things are all over Etsy.  The familiarity invites us into these odd character's world, so when things take a turn toward the strange when they encounter a real bird, we continue to laugh and stay invested.  Because we have bought into the premise, even when things get weird we do not feel like the sketch has gone off the rails because of the well established authenticity.

So, while I commend SNL for continuing to stay relevant in a time when the world of home entertainment is changing on a day to day basis, I also feel like it might be time for the writers of SNL to take a step back and look at how the world of humor is also changing.  The rise of KITH, PORTLANDIA, and (in film) Judd Apatow have shown us that humor can come from small day to day occurrences.  From the people around us.  Topical humor and pop culture references have their place in comedy.....but they certainly don't age well.  Sorry Miley Cyrus.

Video Store Terror!!! The Big Box Video Covers That Made You Cry!

While discussing my last blog entry with a friend, we both started to reminisce about the old poster art that was on video cassettes in the 80's.  With little money for advertising and no "name" celebrities, the art on a video box was key in selling movies to horror hungry teens trolling the aisles for their latest fix.  Modern horror fans are used to floating heads around the image of the killer's mask for poster art — but back in the eighties and nineties, movie boxes had to convince you to pick up that movie and rent it.  Companies usually did this by making the boxes as gory and terrifying as possible.  The more shocking the cover art, the more likely some teenager was to pick up the movie and take it home.

Some of this poster art, HELLRAISER for example, is considered classic poster iconography.  Others have long since been forgotten except by those few of us who were unlucky enough to run into them on the shelves of our local Mom and Pop Video Store.  Below are just a few of the boxes that kept me away from certain sections of the Major Video in Lubbock, Texas.

Image Source:videodead.tumblr.com

Image Source: talkofhorrors.blogspot.com

Image Source: artscenecal.com

Image Source: imdb.com

Image Source: Movieposter.com

Image Source: talkofhorrors.blogspot.com

Image Source: moviepostershop.com

Image Source: clivebarker.com

Image Source: joblo.com

Unfortunately, with the rise of Netflix and the death of the video store (as well as the current lack of innovative poster art) the days of this kind of advertising are long gone.  But thankfully this art will live on forever on the internet and in the homes of collectors like me who remember what it really meant to be scared by something truly creative and shocking.

What posters scared you as a kid?  Comment below!

Top Five Things That Made Me Poop My Pants When I was a Kid (plus some stuff that scared my friends)

Anyone reading this blog knows I love horror movies.  What you might not know is that I was easily scared as a kid....and I'm still kind a lightweight.  I watch B-Horror Movies and Slasher Films because they really aren't scary.  Supernatural movies and more realistic horror films give me the heebie-jeebies, so I rarely watch them unless I'm in a group.  In fact, right now I'm watching SINISTER....and I'm regretting it already.

Below are a list of five things that scared the crap out of me as a kid....literally in some cases.

Image Source:Katiemetcalfe.wordpress.com

5. The Utburd - This drawing was in a TimeLife book about Ghosts.  I loved the book, but was so terrified by this painting that I would never read the chapter it was in for fear of seeing it accidentally.  In fact, one time the book was left open on my bed  and I was so scared I ran down the hallway to get to the bathroom so I wouldn't have a chance to even glimpse the picture.

Image source: xdind.com

4. Any Drawing by Stephen Gammell (but especially this one) - All three of the SCARY STORIES TO TELL IN THE DARK BOOKS were staples in my household when I was a kid.  The stories were good...but the drawings made them great.  Recently Mr. Gammell's drawings were replaced with drawings that were less "terrifying" and "traumatizing."   I feel sorry for the generation that will not know the exquisite terror of seeing the drawing on the right every time they open up one of these books.

3. The POLTERGEIST Clown - Someone explain to me why Craig T. Nelson bought this for his kid.  That's child abuse.  Case closed.

Image source: villians.wikia.com

Image source: imdb.com

2.  GHOULIES biting me in the butt - I was kind of scared of toilets because of this movie.  I might have briefly considered revisiting diapers.  This idea might have been shot down by my mother.

Image source: Horrorstew.com

1. THE BLOB - Imagine if you will....a young Mo sitting in the movie theater with his mother.  He has been told that THE BLOB was made of melted Milkduds.  Suddenly he drops a few Milkduds on the floor of the movie theater.  Milkduds on a theater floor will obviously melt, turn into The Blob, and eat Little Mo in front of terrified movie patrons.  What follows is the epic freakout to end all freakouts.  His mother escorts him from the movie theater and his fear of THE BLOB is solidified.

AND A FEW THINGS THAT SCARED MY FRIENDS

Image Source: Comicaddicts.com

3) The Hulk - A big green guy who smashes things into a pulp.....is that really scary?  Yes, it is.  Unless of course that big green guy is being controlled by Ang Lee.

Image Source: Animatedfilmreview.blogspot.com

2) The Abominable Snowman (from Rudolph) - I was always more scared of Yukon Cornelius.  He licks the end of his pick axe.  Weirdo.

Image Source: Mutantreviewers.wordpress.com

1) Escalators - Look at that picture.  I ask you,
"Is that scary?"