"Mommy! It broke!! Crap in a hat!!"

Sadness.

Heartache.

Broken toys in the eighties.

I feel like China has stepped up its game in the years since I stopped playing with toys and started collecting action figures.  Paint ops are better, and, as far as I can tell, important parts aren't made from a mixture of spit and tapioca.

(c) Kenner

My favorite example of my childhood toy sadness occurred due to Kenner's initial R2-D2 toy.  Basically, it was a trashcan with a sticker and a button.  Inevitably, the sticker would get wet, fall off, and you were stuck with a three-legged trashcan. The last time I checked, Darth Vader didn't need a trashcan on the Death Star.  He had a trash compactor.

Image source: howardashman.com

My worst toy experience was caused Milton Bradley's FEED ME.  I loved this game.  It was, for all intents and purposes, a very slow-paced HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS that involved taking turns dropping marbles into the mouth of the Audrey II until the mouth pops shut and you lost.  Game Over.

However, it had one drawback....it was one of the most poorly made games in history.
The mouth of the plant was held together by a rubber band.  A RUBBER BAND!!!  I think I played it for a week and the rubber band broke.  And, to make matters worse, the rubber band was impossible to replace.  So, as soon as the rubber band broke, you were left with a cheezy looking plastic venus fly trap.  Whoopty-friggin' doo.

Although I'm sure there were many other toy-related sleepless nights throughout my childhood, I've grown up and realized that there are more important things to worry about - like shoddy Blu Ray packaging and Eco-Friendly CD cases.  Thank god I've finally learned to disconnect and not get so depressed by the crappiness of my toys.  I don't know if I would have made it to puberty if I hadn't.

The 10 Best Horror Anthology Stories of All Time

Ever since my first experience with CREEPSHOW at the ripe old age of five, I have been a sucker for Horror anthology films.  I love it when filmmakers are able to give me  nice, lean, compact twenty to thirty minute spooks a poppin' good time.  There's nothing better in my opinion.

1) Dumplings (Three: Extremes) - A pre-Celebrity Rehab Bai Ling sells dumplings with a secret ingredient.  Do we really want to stay young that much?
2) The Crate (Creepshow) - This entry is dedicated to my cousins for terrorizing me and making me cry during this segment.  Thanks, guys.
3) Lover's Vow (Tales from the Darkside) - A fairly serious horror story to cap off what had been a pretty cheesy (but fun) anthology.  I never saw this one coming.

Image source: thewordslinger.com

4) The Raft (Creepshow 2) - This story is one of the few instances where the ending to the movie is better than the ending to the original Stephen King story (see also THE MIST).
5) Pregnant Traveler (Grim Prairie Tales) - This messed me up as a kid.  Pregnant ladies are not to be trusted. 
6) KKK Comeuppance (Tales from the Hood) - Puppets + Southern Racism = the best story in a surprisingly good anthology. 
7) Bobby (Dead of Night) - Not to be mistaken with the classic British Anthology from the 40's.  The middle story in this anthology is the only worthwhile entry, and was later remade for Trilogy of Terror II.
8) Christmas Party (Dead of Night, 1945) - Most people remember the Ventriloquist's Dummy story, but this cool little Ghost Story is the one that always creeped me out as a kid.
9) Sam (Trick 'r Treat) - I waited years for this movie, and it did not disappoint.  The tale of an old man (with a secret) versus the personification of Halloween.
10) Prey (Trilogy of Terror) - I still remember the day I rented this from the big-box video store in Mamou, Louisiana.  The Zuni Fetish doll is an icon, and the story still holds up.

Petite Feet: The Wedding Playlist Blues

Image found via Tumblr

I love all kinds of music....but fully admit that a lot of it is crap.  I find equal musical validity in The Beatles and Flight of the Conchords.  I love both Rob Zombie and Backstreet Boys.  When I go to karaoke I am equally tempted to perform Taco's "Putting on the Ritz" and Korn's "Falling Away From Me."  I have issues.  Thankfully most of them are musical.

Unfortunately, I'm trying to put together a playlist for my wedding and my musical tastes are making it difficult to create a playlist that anyone will "get" or find "danceable."  If I had my way the playlist would be half parody songs by Weird Al Yankovic and the other half would be mash-ups from Glee.  I'm sure I would have a blast, but I don't think anyone else would.  This thing is driving me crazy.

Image found via Tumblr

This morning I decide to do another run-through of playlist to check it for maximum dancetasticness and found it somewhat lacking.  I immediately deleted several songs that I felt didn't fit (Is "Tom Sawyer" by Rush really a wedding song?).  Then I decided to add some new songs and decided that the Devlin and Ghostdad Remix of "Petite Feet" by Tim and Eric had to make an appearance.  It fulfills all my requirements: it's funny and I can get on the dance floor and shake my rump.  It also helps that my fiance loves this song and thinks it is hilarious when I dance to it. On the flip side, I have always felt that people need to recognize songs at wedding in order to want to dance.  And I seriously doubt anyone else at my wedding will know what the hell "Petite Feet" is.  I feel bad for their ignorance, but don't have time to school everyone at my wedding on the comedy of Tim and Eric.

So, I think the song would be a great inclusion in our special day.  However, since I also thought that "Living Dead Girl" by Rob Zombie was going to be the first dance at my wedding (when I was 17), I feel like I can't really be trusted.

Hell, I briefly had a Spice Girls song in the mix.  I REALLY can't be trusted.

Petite Feet

Your kid can handle it...trust me.

I'l admit.  I probably started watching R-Rated movies way too young.

One of my earliest memories is watching CREEPSHOW with my cousins at about the age of 5.  I did okay until "The Crate" episode....and, as soon as I saw the Abominable Snowman eat a guy, I flipped out.  I ended the movie hiding behind a mini-bar as my cousins made monster noises and reached around the bar trying to grab me.  It messed me up.

Image source: The Horror Novice

Today CREEPSHOW is one of my favorite movies.

I survived.

A few years ago when THE MONSTER SQUAD was released on DVD a guy came into my store who, like me, had watched the movie a million times when he was a kid.  He had a young boy with him who was just the right age to experience the moment when you first realize "Wolfman's got nards."  However, when I mentioned to the guy that he should have a great time watching it with his son he responded...."Oh, my kid would never be able to handle this movie.  It's too intense."

Why was it just fine for us, but too intense for him?

I think most people would agree that kids are more jaded and grow up much earlier than we did in the eighties.  And yet, most parents think they can't handle a PG-13 horror comedy about kids who fight monsters in a loosely knit squad.

I saw a handyman get eaten alive by a Fluff Monster in a crate when I was 5.

Trust me.  Your kid can handle seeing the Wolfman get kicked in the balls.